Flip Flop Daily Review Criteria
FLIP FLOP SCALE DEFINITIONS
This is the most important factor in flip flop selection. Ask yourself, “where and why will I be wearing these flip flops?”
The answer will inform your choice of flip flops and will set the tone for your overall experience. Do not be the guy who shows up at the beach on the first date in a pair of Crocs.
He was obviously seduced by their fentanyl-esq synthetically achieved ultra-comfort. In placing comfort above occasion he has chosen hot pockets alone over the sink and beer gulped directly from the growler alone in his perpetual bachelor pad. There will be no second date.
Here are a few common occasions with appropriate flip flop option suggestions:
- First Date: Play it safe with a pair of Olukai or Chaco’s. If you really want to impress pick up a pair of Ugg Seaside flips. Avoid Crocs and Havaiana’s.
The former shows you’ve given up and the later says that you’re still mentally 18 years old and just going through the motions of a “date” in hopes of getting lucky so you can brag about it to your “Bro’s.”
- Forced “fun” after-work activity: For whatever reason employers think that they are rewarding their employees by forcing them to attend social events with other coworkers.
This ignores the obvious fact that none of these people would ever make eye contact with each other on the bus let alone choose to spend 4 hours trapped together on a party boat with an open bar, karaoke machine, and their boss. The real reward for a job well done would be an extra day or two away from these people.
However, in the party boat scenario there are a couple of options. Havaiana’s are the first choice if you’re hoping to get some action from whoever in marketing is willing to make the poorest decision that night. Nothing says “drunk and not too picky” as well.
In this scenario Havaianas are the equivalent of a “T” thong purposely visible above the waistline of a too short miniskirt. They each scream “poor choices will be made tonight.” The other option is to skip the event entirely. I suggest this choice.
- Beach House barbecue with social or economic superior: This is a tricky one and requires navigating the thin middle ground between aspiration and desperation.
I suggest something from Hari Mari’s Dunes line. They have a common man look but with upper class detailing and finish.
After occasion, fit is the next key to flip flop bliss. Fit is more than whether the flip flop is roughly the same length and width of your foot.
Don’t let the apparent simplicity that is a flip flop fool you. Though, at their core, they are merely a combination of sole and strap the interplay of these pieces is as complex as that of the best Japanese ramen.
After all, ramen is nothing more than broth and noodles. However within each creation (the perfect flip flop and a bowl of perfect ramen) simplicity surpasses hyperbole.
Done well, you won’t even notice the perfect fit. Done poorly, it will ruin your experience. Pay attention to what isn’t there. Toe curl, foot slip, strap chafe. Perfection lies within the absence of these. Fit matters.
While, as discussed in fit, a flip flop is at its core a very simple thing however, there is a universe of variety when it comes to style.
No item can convey the variety of emotion, status, culture as can the flip flop. Flip flops are the Marlin Brando of footwear, nothing has more range.
A few examples:
- Ugg Seaside flips: With their cork foot bed these flip flops convey, “wine enthusiast”
- Croc: “Ask me about NASCAR”
- Hunter: “I’ve got money to burn, let’s talk shopping”
Once you’ve identified your Occasion, chosen your Fit and nailed your Style you will be well on your way to flip flop bliss.
Often overlooked until after it is too late, traction can make or break the flip flop experience. Like much in life this is something that one must gain experience to know as it can cause all of the effort put into occasion, fit and style to crash and burn as ungracefully and completely as the Hindenburg.
Everyone will notice. For example, on wet surfaces some flops get a bit dodgy while others should come with a helmet, elbow pads and a government warning – you will fall hard if you wear these on wet tile.
Sidewalk, marble, tile, sand, wet, dry? Wear the wrong flip flop and things could go very wrong very quickly. So pay attention to the outsole when choosing your flip flops. Ask the sales person about traction or take the flip flops for a test drive and be sure to check out our traction ratings. Be safe out there.
When selecting a flip flop many people tend to place comfort at the top of the list of considerations.
There is a name for the majority of these people and it is “Men” or more specifically “Dads”.
Since most men and nearly all Dads can’t be bothered to have read steps 1 – 4 (Occasion, Fit, Style, and Traction) it is very unlikely that they are reading this so I’ll keep it short.
In choosing to wear flip flops you have already chosen comfort so it is of the utmost importance that you get steps 1 – 4 right. Comfort is the foundation of the flip flop life however it is not the only consideration, otherwise all is lost.
DUDENESS – A VARSITY MOVE
This is a state of Flip Flop Life Perfection that very few can attain. Many try but most fail. When achieved it carries with it a balance of apathy and concern, supreme success and perfect failure.
Dudeness is simultaneously an object of desire and disdain. It rises above and embodies Occasion, Fit, Style, Traction, and Comfort. It is the Flip Flop Life paradise that we all hope to achieve. It is Flip Flop life bliss.