Bumpers – Kind of Like Crutches

OCCASION

Cult rituals

BEVERAGE AND MUSIC PAIRING

bumpers

Fit

3/5

Style

2/5

Traction

3/5

Comfort

1/5

Dudeness

1/5

Overall Performance

2/5

“These feel weird. Have you ever worn weird ones like these?”, were the first words to escape my lips as I took my first steps in these flip flops. True to their name these Bumpers are exactly that: bumpy.

Actually, bumpy and painful. As the flip flop’s defining factor you’d think that they’d at least make them comfortable.

Yet, wearing these flops felt like an angry army of tiny hermit crabs were pinching the soles of my feet with every step. Are these really flip flops or public displays of penance for some strange cult?

The next thing I notice about these flip flops is the sound.

Say goodbye to my spy career because each step is just as subtle as a toddler running in squeaky light up shoes.

To make matters even worse I wore these Bumpers in the rain which amplified both the pain and sound ten-fold.

Squeak – ouch, squeak – ouch, squeak – ouch suckers!

It is impossible to be taken seriously when each step is accompanied by a cacophony of squeaks and pinches – hello Bumpers, goodbye dignity.

Then there’s the styling. They have all the styling of spray-painted industrial bubble wrap.

Sure, it might get you some attention, but not the kind of attention you want.

They’re the kind of flip flops that everyone will want to try on, but few would actually buy for themselves because they’re loud, painful and look absolutely ridiculous. Kind of like crutches – everybody wants to try them out but nobody wants to wear them home.

That said, these flip flops have some redeeming factors. For example, the fit is pretty good.

Initially wearing them, it very briefly felt like a massage on my feet – that is before the hermit crabs awoke and began their attack.

So, if you have thick foot callouses, don’t mind dispatching with all subtlety, and lack any fashion sense, then these are the flip flops for you.

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